Assalamualaikum. Hey everyone. Are you guys doing fine? I hope so. So today I feel like blurting out my mind again. Nah, not really. I'm just in the mood of expressing what I feel. Since I don't know to whom I can spill my thoughts... so yeah. Luckily Blogger still exists... If not I might have to jot down everything in my diary book (well I still write in my diary though).
Honestly, something's been bugging me. I don't know what it is. But I keep thinking of it lately. I did tell this to my friends but... I still couldn't find the answer.
I think I'm the most boring person. I'm not underestimating myself though, it's just that, I think I haven't even accomplished anything in my life. It's not like I can't. It's not like I can't achieve it. It's just me. I don't work for what I really want. And I don't even know what I really want. It saddens me, really. I'm the kind of person who gives up easily. I wasn't like this before. I never was like this. I was a try-harder person. Now I wonder... where did my old self go? The one who never knew what giving up means. But then everything changed. Since I encountered high school, I feel like everything is hard. Everything is impossible. Again. I almost gave up on life. And I have been hating myself for this though. It pisses me off when I see my friends working so hard to achieve what they want. Why can't I be like them? I wish I was that kind of person, when somebody asks "Hey what are you doing?" "Nah I'm just reading something." etc etc. Usually if someone asks me this kind of question my answer is always the same, "Nah I'm not doing anything, just tweeting/onlining." Like seriously I just realised that I don't have a life anymore. What do I get spending most of my time on these? NOTHING. And I'm really having troubles to get over it.
I have no motivation to study. This sucks a lot. The urge to study is overwhelming but... I just can't. Whenever I try to study there's always a thing that keeps distracting me. I can't even focus on studying. Holidays are about to end and I don't even know what I've revised. I did revise, but I can't seem to remember what I've learnt. I'm like... losing hopes. I don't know what to do anymore.
Apparently, someone just confessed to me a few days ago. And I honestly do not know how to respond to this. It's not like I have never received any confessions before. I did, like for so many times. And for so many times, I really do not know how to respond to a confession. It leaves me awkward and clueless. And I usually end up rejecting all the confessions. Am I cruel? I don't think so. I don't want to give people false hope because it hurts like heck. I have experienced it. I don't mean to hurt anyone but... you don't force someone to like you back, right? This guy who confessed to me that day just asked to be my friend. This had me thinking... for a while. Okay, you want to be my friend, but do you really just want to be my friend? I don't think so. You must have other intention beneath the real one. And frankly speaking I don't fall for someone that easily. No. It takes time. Once I get too attached to someone, it'll be hard for me to get over them. But I accepted him (the one who confessed to me) as my friend anyway. I have never talked to him before. I barely noticed his presence in my previous school. But he had been stalking me since then. Well I think that it is nice to know that actually somebody out there has a crush on me. But at the same time it annoys me. I don't know.
So that's that. And there's one more thing that I've been thinking though. (I'm sorry I'm basically writing about my thoughts and feelings). Is it okay to hold on to someone for so long? Is it worth it? Should I move on? I have been asking this question to myself and I can't seem to find any answers. I'm clueless. I can never lie to my own feelings. And I find that being faithful hurts a lot. What do I get if I stay loyal to someone whom I'm not even sure will be mine. Is it worth waiting? I don't know. I'm practically just going with the flow. It sickens me sometimes. I have never loved someone so much that I think I'm never ready to let him go. But then this has me thinking... is it worth it? I don't know and I'm truly clueless.
I think that's all. I'm sorry for ranting. I'm just writing down my heart and mind. Thank you for those who read. I really appriciate it.
Yours sincerely,
Syafiqah Fisal.
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